you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
