I'm lost and stupid without you.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
