So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
