i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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