I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
