My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
