just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
well, you know. whores of a feather.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
