I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
