Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
