Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
