We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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