I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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