I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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