just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
