I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
