Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
