That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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