i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
My sheets look like a crime scene.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Randomize
