I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
