News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
