If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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