All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
