wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
