What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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