Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
