dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
It's no shave November. This is our time.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
