He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
