Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
