When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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