I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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