we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
