It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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