I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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