i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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