I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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