At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
