I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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