2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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