nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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