Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
