the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
