This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
