I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
