Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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