just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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