Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
