Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
