happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I wear drunk well.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
