At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
