i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
